…the fine print…
the stuff you should read, but probably don't

Feb
22

So since my great date with Seigi on Saturday, I have been smothered with text’s non-stop.  Having a real hard time dealing with it.  Ok, I realize I can be somewhat smothering as well from time to time but I try to control it and I am getting better at giving space to people I date. Aquarian’s are natural actors and also great at being aloof. Which is why, when someone smothers me now I muster up patience and work with them until they chill out.  First, lets recap so there is a clear picture of the course of events since the Saturday date.

I gave him a kiss as he dropped me off at my car.  Called my friend Kevin who wanted to go out that night and made a time to meet him. Then the texting begins.

9:01 PM S: “Thanks again! Had a good time.”

9:21 PM D: “Had a great time too. Appreciate dinner, very tasty.”

9:21 PM S: “Yeah you were too.”   — I thought this was very cute and witty.  Made me smile for quite a long time.

9:22 PM D: “now you are making me blush..”

9:23 PM S: “I somehow doubt that.” — I couldn’t figure this one out.  Was he saying I was a whore, or that I am experienced with guys and kissing?  Who knows.. I try not to respond to things I can’t figure out so I didn’t respond.  I felt it a response wasn’t needed and the cute lines had been said and the page of this chapter should turn until another day.

10:20 PM S: “Are you ok?” — super odd text.  I guess he was wanting a response to his earlier text but I still didn’t know how to respond here.  I tend to clam up when it comes to being flirty cause I usually blurt out something inappropriate. By this time I am at the bar waiting for Kevin to arrive and still resisting analyzing the text.

Kevin is running late so I start listening to other peoples conversation while I’m standing at a bar, alone.

11:15 PM S: “Did you get my text?”

11:20 PM D: “Yes. All is good. I am ok.  Any reason I shouldn’t be? LOL”

11:36 PM S: “No just making sure.”

10:29 AM S: “Good morning!”

11:07 PM D: “Hey buddy, morning to you too”

8:29 PM S: “I guess this is goodnight :)”

8:30 PM D: “Yup. Back to the grind tomorrow albeit I worked most of today. Projects launch this week. Busy time.”

8:35 PM S: “Man it was such a beautiful day, sorry you had to work.  Tomorrow will be busy for me too.”

7:35 PM S: “Heyas, How are you?”

8:00 PM D: “Beat. Worked real hard today. My brain hurts.Otherwise good. How was your day?”

8:01 PM S: “Busy as well, My brain is still in tact.. I think…LOL.  Gym time this evening.  I think you need a rub down.”  — oh my. I do but I’m never comfortable talking about sex with someone I will potentially do it with.  I rather just do it and then talk about it, otherwise it is just speculation and expectation.

8:20 PM D: “Didn’t make it to the gym today. Worked late. And I do need a massage. What kind do you give?” — keep a straight face, right? I truly need pointers on how to respond to things like what he said when it comes to flirting.  I’m horrible at it.

8:21 PM S: “What kind would you like?”

8:25 PM D: “If you must be passive about answering… lol.. I prefer deep tissue.” — no comment.

8:27 PM S: “I would do my best to take care of you.”

Ok, I think that is enough of the history to get my point across. Severe case of smothering, I will have to resort to Plan B – reverse psychology. But first, what will plan B be? My idea is, push back when the going gets rough and I need to scare him a little bit so he can have time to tidy up his head. And what scares any man? LOVE!

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Feb
21

Truly a rare thing going on these days with me… or is it?  I’ve been out to the Atlanta Eagle, every weekend for the past two weekends. Considering I haven’t step foot into a club in nearly 6 months or so, I seem to be out of my normal routine and something has shoved me ajar.

Dont get me wrong though, I’ve had a great time each time, actually more fun that I had remembered what going out to a bar was like.  Maybe all the bad people got replaced with online websites and all that is left is the nice guys to mix and mingle face to face.

Oh, ran into Brad while I was there. He was, well, nervous to see me and I was pretty sure he was about to pull the “oh I didn’t see you standing there” routine. No worries, he didn’t have time, gave him a hug, called him “snugglebud” or something like that and told him it was good seeing him.  All my actions I just mentioned combined…. well apparently that consitutes, “oh god! he in love with me and wants to stalk me.”  Men are so ridiculous when it comes to pin pointing what they are terrified of; they run for the silliest reasons.

Feb
20

First meet and greet with this new guy named Siegi…. I first learned he is adopted and then the love he received from his mother that raised him left a lasting impression on his outlook on life to this day.  She seems to have taught him all the good stuff and about values and being a real man.  From the details he has offered up so far, I can tell he is got his head screwed on correctly so I am thrilled to.. oh ya.. wait for it… wait for it….

Had to catch myself, I was about to start building up dreams of the future romance internally that was completely premature!  I hate when I do that.

Not that he has an accent since he is originally from Germany; moved here with his mother and father around the age of 13 I think, but I decided to act like a moron… the road sign hanging over the road to show the perpendicular roads off Main Street.  Its reads “UNIVETER”, sounds swedish to me.. lets mix it up with some German accent and throw it back at him to show what an idiot I can be.

And so I did….I asked him if it was german or swedish for anything.. he started blankly at me.  But I continue to be playful…

Univeter

Now where my silly fake accent is ridiculous, he didn’t find it as funny as I did. But he did reply, “You entertain yourself quite often don’t you?”  Of course I do!

That evening I learned a lot about him. A very nice package, no pun intended. The only red flag which was put on the table ( and I prefer for all baggage to be out in the open ) was that he was not out to his family nor his peers at work.  Basically he has a two sets of friends, and two sets of lives. One where no one knows and the other where all friends know. He is divorced with a 22 year old daughter who is in college and his ex-wife is a cheater.  They got pregnant at the age of 19 and he was raised to take care of your responsibilities and married her while they raised the daughter for 12 years until the separation. He continued to be the primary parent and is putting her through school. His daughter does not know either.

A pretty hefty flag.  No doubt, and also a sore spot for me since the Dixon incident many years ago.  My first thought was to thank him for meeting me and put it behind me.  However, he was very open about it and didn’t give any rules to me about what dating would be like and after all, it is only dating right? I don’t plan on stopping dating here.  Already have a few others lined up for weeks to come; thanks to the site I use for meeting singles. My last thought before I close this post: really looking for someone with a fixed moral compass and a real man that doesn’t run from any sign trouble and someone that takes responsibility for their actions and admits when they are wrong just as much as they tell themselves they are right.  He fits that profile.  I’ll accept another date with him.

Feb
14

Where should I begin this post…I guess an update on the Chris situation is needed.  I made the right choice by not sleeping with him because the true colors shined through after last weekend.  I was put on the ignore list for wanting to hold out on sex until I got to know him better and I guess he wasn’t ok with that.  The first date he spoke about how he wanted something traditional with values in a relationship and then on the second date wanted to.. wait.. planned to sleep with me.  What a pig.

Oh and get this.. on the website where we met he actually blocked me.  So not only did he not return my calls or text, he thought it was appropriate and the best course of action to just block me from having any online contact with him.  I got angry, real angry as I should have.  I left him some nice txts to vent and release the anger and, and then.. he calls.  Said to me, he hadn’t blocked him or if he did he did it by mistake.

Now, I told him once, which is true, I am gullible.. very… I find it one my more charming qualities in all its “cuteness”; however I never told him I was stupid.  To block someone on the website you have to confirm just like any delete function on a computer, I tested it out after I talked to him which was just the official stamp of confirming what a liar he is. But before that, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.. only for a little while until I thought it through.  So when I talked to him, I made nice nice and said I was sorry for thinking he was ignoring me.  Tells you how desperate I must be to find romance… I’m pathetic.

Only for a short while was I in this state of denial, that’s when I finally accepted the truth — I had met yet another scum in Atlanta.  The odds are very good to meet them, they seem to be crawling around everywhere in this place.

Well anyway, Kevin and I decided to head out for some drinks.  Ran into Chris while I was out.. I honestly didn’t have anything to say to him as he was leaving except for telling him my next location so he would go elsewhere and avoid me.  Liars are cowards, they run and they run.  Regardless, I can always manage to put on a smile and a happy face and truly have a good time, so I did.  Met this real handsome guy named Brad who took to me quite quickly and was telling me things that I wanted to hear.

You see, I think finally I’ve learned how to survive in this dating world.  I’ve always made the mistake of trusting everyone from the start, to look at them like they are of a clean slate and picture perfect. The new rule is, I need to recognize all the bullshit out of someone’s mouth.  Basically, when you meet a guy, everything that comes out of his mouth is a play, a working attempt, to get into your pants. And they will tell you ANYTHING you want to hear; it’s all lies. None of it will end up to be true; so its best to keep open mind and evaluate every sentence they say by labeling it as false.

I am bitter no doubt and completely heart broken. But it isn’t over Chris.  It’s just the string of men I’ve dated for so many years now have been a piece of shit in some form or another. So it has little do with one guy, its like a chain of events that have beaten down my heart over and over and I cannot find a shred of strength to pick myself up and want to date again. It seems pointless, if everything is lie that rolls off a guys tongue, then why date, why try to get to know anyone.  What about sex, right?

Well I’ve tried to be this unemotional sexual partner to many people over a decade now, and it isn’t me. Sex is emotional to me, I can’t really be comfortable doing it any other way. I’ve lied to myself over and over because I want to fit in to today’s society and be able to have something of a non-single life and to do that it was necessary to learn the meaning of “no-strings”.  So I guess what I am saying is; that I am done with sex. Who needs it. Lets face it, I’m living in a fantasy world and have been told this before.  I am a gay guy, who believes it is possible to find a traditional monogamous relationship.  They simply don’t exist and I’ve never even heard of one or know anyone who has been in one or knows anyone who knows someone else who has been or is in one.

To continue my story of last night, Brad said to me, he wanted to tell me something weird and not to freak out.  (Like anything could shock me at this point). He said, I’d like for you to come home with me but no sex, only snuggling. Again, let’s analyze….RIGHT… he wants nothing other than just to snuggle. But having all faith in humanity lost to the winds, I needed to grab hold of anything that would serve as a life preserver so I let him inspire a that little ray of light in eyes and accepted.  Back at his place, we talked for a while and he was telling me these lies about how cute I was, how interesting I was, yadda yadda yadda.. and then I went to sleep in the arms of a stranger.

Where to go from here is the question, and one that I probably won’t be able to answer for a while. Will I return to the dating scene? Will I finally lose all the hopeless romantic pieces left in my soul and just become a whore? Will I give up this fight and not date or have sex from here on out?  All options are unappealing.

Happy Valentines Day!

Feb
11

Met a friend at his hotel for a drink and some chit chat and my damn brain is thinking about Chris and the recent events with him that didn’t go so well. It’s been all week since I have heard from Chris. I should just call right? Well I am going to tomorrow, I want to see if he wants to go on a third date…. I want to take him to this place called Dialogue in the Dark. From what I understand it’s a huge warehouse set up with various props like a street bars cars and a park. The catch is, it’s all in the dark, a recreation of a glimpse into the experience of the blind. Sounds neat eh, and it’s a cute spot to cop a feel while no one is looking.

Feb
11

I had to take the car in for routine service and nearly lost a couple of toes and fingers to old man winter. STILL it is freezing here and I don’t think the sun is coming up anytime soon.

So anyway I’m at the Honda dealership and the service man is asking me if I want to spend an extra 70 bucks on new window strips. And other silly car parts. So I asked him if I needed all the bells and whistlles. He sad the car was due for lots of additional expenses according to thr paper but he said I really didn’t need them all at this point so I decided to wait til things deplete before spending to top things off.

Hate the cold, and do like being solicited to buy things that are not necessary.

Feb
08

I was tasked with planning a second date with Chris and looking forward to it. We were going out on Sunday and I couldn’t find any events in Atlanta on a rainy day that would be something besides just a dinner or a lunch.

Sunday rolled around and we talked about things to do and decided to watch a movie at my place. Freaked at first, cause I hadn’t cleaned the house to a pristine peak, I frantically tidied up the house as best I could and waited for him to arrive.

We were talking about kissing and other romance physical actions before he got here and so he was a little bummed that I didn’t give him a full kiss on the first date.  Guess I’m not as easy as I thought, eh?  So I laughed and told him I would definitely kiss him when he got here. And I did.

He arrived, and of course we kissed for a few minutes, but I was starved to death and told him to quit before I fainted due to lack of energy and that we needed to get something to eat. If he had kept on kissing me, I would have never left the house and never ate.  Needless to say, it was good.

Strangely enough we spent the second date figuring out if we could cuddle together and apparently we can and can sleep together too. He lay beside me on the couch while we watched a couple of movies we picked up from Blockbuster, and held me oh so tight. Then he slept for little less than an hour; I dozed in and out but was happy that we had no silent time comfort issues.

All in all, it was a little sudden for the second date to move so fast, but maybe I allowed him to come over for the right reasons and perhaps my judgement wasn’t built around hormones, rather built around the touch of another. Things would have and almost did get out of control a few times, sexually. I stopped, and we both agreed, it was too soon.  I think sex moves things too fast and it is important for me to trust him before I get to that point, if I want this to be a lasting positive thing. I do, and I think we both do.

He asked me, prior to arriving as we talked on the phone, whether or not I would seek out sex from someone else or some random encounter while in the “holding” stage of the person I am currently dating. It was almost like he was asking me to be exclusive, without asking me. I responded that I normally don’t look for sex while dating someone. If I find them interesting and fun to be around, the wait is worth it.

We’ll soon see if I made the right decisions. For now, my heart tells me I did, and I trust him a little bit more and more. It is important that he find a good traditional relationship where monogamy is held in high regard, I feel the same.  The road getting there will be work, but everything else comes natural.  So far we are open, we laugh together, we are very attracted to each other, we treat each other with respect and have taken nothing for granted to this point.

Not that I am looking but I see zero red flags on him.  He’s a good guy, maybe the only one left.

Feb
08

While out celebrating my birthday, a little late, and a friend’s birthday, I ran into the old flame.

You know how when you are hurt and then you wish sometimes small bad things on people without really meaning it… well I found myself sad because of the new information I found out about him.   Granted, from the Delerium concert I attended a while back, I found him to be happy with a new arrangement he made with a guy where they bought a house together. Honestly, I never really wanted anything to happen to Dixon but for the first time, I wanted things to be great for him knowing I wouldn’t be anywhere near him in his life.  It was a long long time ago when we first seperated that I found myself hoping his relationships wouldn’t work out and that maybe he would come back to me. That was such a long time ago.

Recent events revealed he isn’t happy and has been financially robbed by his partner in which he bought a house with. I hate all this evil and selfishness in the world and I was really sad for him.

I had stopped talking to Dixon a year or so ago because I didn’t want to be in the way of him finding a good life with a guy.  I really thought this was “the one” for him.  I mean you get to the house buying stage and then you are really married, right? Marriage is so confusing in the gay world, where do we fit in with anything traditional it seems.

Anyway, it didn’t work out for him and he’s been in my thoughts for a day or two now.  Not looking to rekindle anything with him or even become “friends” again.  Just wanted to mark a day for my thoughts and remember how sad it makes me to see him not happy.

Feb
04

A certain as death, taxes is not too far to follow.  This week begins a preemptive strike to get the taxes done and sent out as soon as possible so I can put it behind me.  Dreadfully, I was not the diligent finance keeper last year like I usually am.  I skipped a few months in micromanaging my finances and now I must face the dreaded “catch up” phase to get things back in order.

I did discover one giant detail that I somehow missed last year.  The New Car Tax deduction…. how in the world I missed this, I dunno.  But alas, the hour begins not only starting the 2009 taxes, but amending the 2008 tax return. Times like these is when I need good ole Brian to advise on.  We didn’t remain friends, my call, after the breakup ended so I have to rely on my great resourceful brain to get me lined out in making sure I deduct all that I can, properly.

Feb
01

It has been a long road over the past year with a dear friend Liz and her son Ody. Complications with fluid in his chest cavity filling up over and over made it nearly impossible to breathe and no long term solutions available. The end came today as Ody was put to sleep.

It leaves me with many tears as I remember all the good and bad for my short duration of knowing him; only a few years, however the crying doesn’t seem to stop when I think about him.  I wanted to make a post, a tribute, to a friend, one that I will never forget because of such an impression he had made on me. I find it hard to write anything coherent or excellent right now but nonetheless, his mark in my timeline is made.  I’ll take with me all the memories I’ve had with him and the stubborn ways he always seemed to find to punch my buttons. At many times where he loved to be an annoying thorn in my spine, I’d give anything for him to pester me again and walk across me with that fat little body. Knowing that his quality of life would have been poor going forward I can only speak of selfish wishes and have little else to say. I guess these times are the time that you find little to talk about or you can’t formulate emotions into words…. whatever the case, I just feel the sadness tugging at my heart.

I think of Liz, his owner, my best friend, and the pain she feels. I wish I could say I can’t imagine the pain she is going through but I know it all too well when I had to put Taylor down to sleep four years ago.  There is nothing to describe the agony the continually knocks on your heart so I know how she feels and I know there isn’t much I can do to take away any of the tears.

To Odysseus, may you find your way back to the place that brings comfort to you and may your soul be filled with happiness and content in the times to come.  You were loved so much here on Earth and it saddens me that your time had come to pass, but I know in my heart it is not the end and I hope to see you again some day.  I’ll try not to be sad much longer because I know it is not what you would want, but it’s hard right now too hard for me to stop crying for you. I miss you, I love you. Godspeed my friend.